I’m no Boddhisattva

27102008

Fear: I’m not good enough, not smart enough, don’t have enough time, haven’t done enough to finish my PhD.

Me: I’ve written it all (bar the conclusion). But it’s still not good enough. It’s never going to be good enough and I don’t even know why I’m doing it. It really doesn’t mean that much to me anymore. I should have admitted defeat years ago and just focussed on something else.

Angry voice in head: Why are you wasting all the winter -the only time you can go camping and bushwalking in the desert- inside attached to your computer? And why aren’t you going to the gym as much as you used to? Why aren’t you going to yoga class? Why does he keep picking on me about my thesis? Can’t he see I’ve nearly finished?

Depressed voice in head: Withdraw. Hide. Hide. Hide. Hide.

Me: My mind is out of control. My emotions are out of control. I feel like I’m going to snap. I’m angry and short tempered all the time.  I feel like I have no time to myself.

Fear: You’ll run out of time. You’ve got the argument all wrong. The thesis is not sophisticated enough.

Me: I’ll never be good enough. Why am I doing this to myself and my family?

…and so it goes, round and round and round in my head, the pack of dogs eating my car.

Don’t put me up on a pedestal, I’m no Boddhisattva.

*This is a REAL headline from the Northern Territory News

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6 thoughts on “I’m no Boddhisattva

  1. Hi Amanda!
    Hang in there. It sounds like you are well aware of aspects of yourself that are getting in the way of something that you’ve set out to accomplish. Can you sharpen your senses to hear the parts that dig what you are doing. What does your courage say? I read the voices of doubt that you shared. This sounds important. Stay on course. You can do it. You’ve come this far on the wind of inspiration. Put your nose back into this wind. Be well.

  2. sister….sit. watch the breathe. notice and observe the emotions that come up and notice whether they have physical sensations…say “anger feels like this….” or “doubt feels like this….” it’s all temporary, you know that…

    a bodhisattva is a buddha in the making and we all have the capacity to wake up. so yes, you are a bodhisattva.

    the only difference between us and the ancient rishis is that we have forgotten we are divine, they did not. 😉

    shanti.

  3. @Brooks – thanks for your comments and support. I’ve been really struggling over the last few weeks, and my poor partner has worn the brunt of it all. At times, I thought I was going nutty, and I was about to plunge back into a major, major depression. I really wanted to write the voices out of my head out and reveal them for what they are: fleeting neural discharges that aren’t real.

    Something shifted yesterday. See my latest post.

    @Dr Jay. I know you probably know how I’m feeling. I’m really wondering why I am doing this now – even though I will do it. How utterly human is that? Did you ever feel the same – especially as you were pulling it altogether right before submission?

    @Kitty – thanks your reminder. Yes. Tapas. It’s what I need. Tapas to release the block the tells me I’m not smart enough, tapas to take me back to a time when I knew that I was. Thank you! I now have a mental key.

    @Anastasia – thank you, too. I know, I need to remind myself to give myself permission to do this, and also permission to feel and just be with the resentment that arises.

    @Linda – thank you, sister. Your words are my sticky note to myself. The practice beneath every other practice. I read it so often, but I’m so human and so forgetful. Nowness. Attend the now.

    To everyone: thank you all so much & much, much love for your sharing.

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