Ke Bali Lalu Lombok…

Kemarin kami akan ke Bali…

Tomorrow, Mr Anthroyogini and I are going to Bali and then to Lombok (Indonesia) for a few weeks. We go to Bali nearly every year, and always start off in our usual place, Ubud. This year, I’m meeting up with a good friend in Ubud and we’re all going to go up to Pemuteran on the far north-west of Bali (you can see Java very clearly), to go diving for a few days.

After this, we go via bemo and boat to Lombok for more chilling, exploring, and diving.

Both of us need this holiday. In fact, I was in dire need of a holiday about 8 weeks ago, and suffered the consequences.

Amusingly, I went to the hairdresser this morning and she was asking about the holiday… she had  no idea that Bali was in Indonesia. She also had no idea where Malaysia or Singapore were.  Hmmm… Had to bite my tongue. As I was paying the mortgage on my hair on the way out, the owner of the salon said: “…ohh, I’d never go over there with all the civil unrest. The government’s not stable …. blah blah blah…”. She then went on to tell me that she was going on a cruise in March … to Fiji!!

Again, I just had to bite my tongue.

Anyway, Sampai jumpa! Bali, kemarin kami datang kesini!

Advance Australia?

January 26 is Australia Day. For those readers who live elsewhere, Australia Day commemorates the day that Captain Arthur Phillip sailed into Sydney Cove in 1788 and commenced the European settlement of Australia.

Up until 10-12 years ago, Australia Day was a daggy kind of day. Australia Day amounted to the government awarding a few honours to people (usually sports MEN), there was a cricket match, and a few other events around the country involving BBQs. And a pubic holiday. We love public holidays in Australia, but that’s another blog post.

Australians have never been patriotic in the way that Americans are. We are a laid-back, laconic culture, who shy away from the flag waving, chest beating, Hollywood whoo-haa that America promotes in the name of national pride. That kind of display has been treated with suspicion and embarrassment. Most of us can’t sing our national anthem to save our lives (it’s a woeful dirge, anyway). Many Australians think that Australia Day is celebrated on January 26 because that was the day Captain Cook discovered Australia! We just don’t do the whole patriotic thing….

Well. We didn’t. Now, apparently, we do.

You might be wondering where this is post going by now. My morning run has prompted this post.  As it’s a public holiday (Australia Day, in case you haven’t guessed), I went running a little later than usual: 7:30am. There were a lot more people up and about.  Many of these were young people packed into cars and 4WDs, adorned with Australian flags, hooning around the streets on their way to Australia Day BBQ breakfasts. That several of these cars tooted their horns at me and made comments that they thought were hilarious -and I couldn’t hear as I had my iPod on- really annoyed me.

It makes me wonder about the deep and possibly lasting changes that are happening in Australian culture.

The co-opting of the Southern Cross for one.

The Southern Cross signifies home to me. It signifies my identity in opposition to the Northern Hemisphere-dominated rest of the world. It comforts me when I camp out bush by myself in the Australian Outback.  I feel better when I look up and see it there, no matter where I am.

Yet now it seems, it’s become a symbol of fear, hate and exclusion. Every redneck, young lout and racist sports a Southern Cross tattoo on their anatomy, in honour of some new-hate and fear filled nationalistic fervor that’s become acceptable in the last 10 years.  This tattooing and baring of the symbol on the flesh is not about being a proud Australian and celebrating the good things about our country -like our tolerance and easy-going lifestyle- it’s about exclusion. It’s about saying: I’m a monolingual, English-speaking Caucasian. If you’re not like me, you don’t belong here. It’s kind of shameful display that fuelled the Cronulla riots several years ago. As a former Sutherland Shire resident, these riots appalled me.

Then there is the displaying of the flag.

The flag used to be reserved for the tops of official government buildings, office buildings, passports, tourist attractions, sporting events etc. People did not put the flag on their cars (they put streamers in the colours of their football teams during finals time), they did not put up flag poles in their drive ways or yards.

Now they do.

Why?

This is something I am trying to understand.

My understanding about what it means to display the flag on your house goes something like this:

• being Australian requires you to satisfy a very few, highly, selective categories (whiteness,  be a monolingual, English speaker, have at least your great-grandparents buried in Australian soil, drink only Australian beer, love beaches, BBQs and V8 cars)
• being Australian involves a fear that anyone who doesn’t fit the categories above is coming to Australia to blow us up, steal our jobs or rip us off
• being Australian does not include being Aboriginal
• being Australian gives you a god-given right to tell people who don’t fit the narrow characteristics above that they don’t belong here and should piss off
• being Australian requires the belief that thousands of boat people are amassing off the coast, just waiting to over run us

If this is what it means to be Australian, I am ashamed.

I deeply suspect that at the bottom of all this, is a fear that people who aren’t Caucasians will come here and somehow steal our ability to build McMansions and buy ever-bigger plasma TVs. That’s right. I blame consumerism for this latest outbreak of fear.

Of course, this fear of invasion and scarcity is nothing new in Australia. After all, we were the country that had a White Australia Policy in the 1890s, banning Asian migration and labour. In the 1950s and 60s, this same fear reared its head again, as large numbers of Greek, Italian and other European migrants came to Australia in the wake of World War II – and our need for labour.

To me, Australia is a multicultural, easy going country. We are a country of immigrants. All of us, apart from those who are Aboriginal, are immigrants or the descendants of immigrants who’ve been here less than 250 years. The various waves of immigrants who’ve come here have added their hopes, dreams, hard work and blood to this nation in subtle, yet deep-running layers that are continually being built upon. This is no vague, left wing, idealistic dream; this is reality. This is the Australia I live in.

To the skin headed, ute-driving, racists, I say: you don’t belong here. Get the hell overseas, learn another language and don’t come back until you’ve got something better to contribute than petrol fumes, lame ink and endless playings of Cold Chisel.

So I will not be flying a flag today. I will not be going to any public BBQs or celebrations. I will be going to work today instead.

How to Start Running and Love it as Much as Yoga, Sex or Chocolate

I wrote several weeks ago that I was having trouble getting out of bed to go running. Dr Jay said he would try and yell at me from the east coast of the US. Desert Girl suggested I run in the afternoons. As I am most definitely a morning person, and it’s just too damn hot to run outside in the afternoons here (it’s 40 degrees Celsius some days), I really wanted to re-establish my usual morning running habit.

Writing my intention to get up early and go running publicly here on the blog has worked. For the past two weeks, I’ve been getting out of bed and completing a morning run three days per week. As I haven’t been running regularly since October last year (2009), I’m using a staged training program (see below) to achieve my goal of being able to run 10km each session again.

When I tell people t hat I run, many of them say:  “I can’t run, I just don’t enjoy it...” or “… I’m not a runner.” When I ask them why they don’t like it, I get replies like: “…I ran 5 km and nearly died,” or “…it hurts my knees,” or “…it’s boring. ” This post is about those things: How to start running, two very common reasons why running might hurt and what to do about it, and how to make running as exciting as sex.

How to Start Running

Assuming you’re a normal, healthy adult, with no history of heart problems, no high blood pressure, or injuries and you’re not massively overweight, there is no reason why you can’t run.

The secret to starting running and enjoying it is to WALK-RUN-WALK. Build your fitness slowly, and combine short periods of running with longer periods of walking. Running the distance between two power poles, and then walking for the distance between 4 power poles (and repeating this 4-6 times) is a good example of how to start running.

Make sure you always warm up with a brisk walk for 5 min before your first run, and then cool down with another slow 5 min walk. I always perform gastrocnemius, soleus, quadriceps, hip flexor, hamstring and gluteal stretches after my runs. Email me if you want details of these stretches.

In my experience, the best program for beginning runners is the Couch to 5km (C25K) program. This program takes a normal, healthy non-runner through a series of stages over nine weeks, using the WALK-RUN-WALK principal.  What’s better, there is a wealth of information and free resources on the internet for the C25K program. There’s a website devoted it, an inspirational Facebook group, but best of all, there’s podcasts and iPhone apps.

I use and highly recommend the C25K iPhone app (I have an iTouch). This app will take you through the entire 9 week program (I’m currently doing week 5), and you can play your favourite music, podcast or listen to an audiobook whilst you’re running. The app is $3.99 (AUD) from the iTunes store.

For those without iPods, or who simply don’t want to pay for the program then Robert Ullreys has put together a free version, with his own voice and podsafe, indie music. I’ve used this for quite a few years after taking a midwinter break from running, and it’s fabulous. The music is great and Robert pops in with words of encouragement, but doesn’t pop in too often. Download Robert’s C25K here.

…But it Hurts

Apart from pre-existing injuries, the two main reasons why running hurts are shoes and technique.

You need at least one pair of dedicated running shoes that are designed for your shape of foot. You also need to change your running shoes regularly –after only 300 hours of high impact shock absorption, running shoes lose their ability to protect your body. I go through three pairs of runners –sometimes more- each year. I have never had an injury from running in nearly twenty five years of running.

Technique is the other means to prevent injuries. Warming up, cooling down and stretching should be part of every exercise routine (these also prevent injuries and worse), but in running learning good technique also helps to avoid soreness and injuries.

For beginners, there is one particular running technique that I recommend learning: Chi Running . This is a method that focuses on correct body alignment, core stabilisation, foot placement and striding. It is designed to create injury and soreness free running, so that you will be able to run for the rest of your life. Chi Running is also a community and a philosophy that’s very close to yoga. The website is full of free resources (as well as books, CDs and DVDs), and there are a couple of very helpful You Tube clips which explain the basics very well. I recommend downloading the Chi Running audio instructions to your MP3 and practising.

Running Is Boring

At first, running will be hard work. However, if you use the WALK-RUN-WALK method and build up your fitness slowly, then it isn’t as hard as many people make out it is.

As your running fitness increases, you find yourself entering an amazing flow state –here boredom isn’t an issue. However, for those who doubt that this ever happens and still think running is boring, I recommend the use of music, podcasts or audiobooks during running.

I’m a vocal advocate for running outdoors rather than on a treadmill, unless absolutely necessary. Running on a treadmill is mind-numbingly boring. Outside, there is so much more to engage your attention, destinations to aim for, and even people to outrun or say hi to. In comparison, running on a treadmill is… well… boring. I’m falling asleep just thinking about it.

—

My goal for the first half of the year is to be able to run 10km and compete in one fun run. As I’ve said above, I’m up to week five of C25K and thoroughly enjoying my new energy and the happiness returning to my life. Help me out by cheering me on – and maybe even joining me if you’re game.

I wrote several weeks ago that I was having trouble getting out of bed to go running. Dr Jay said he would try and yell at me from the east coast of the US. Desert Girl suggested I run in the afternoons. As I am most definitely a morning person, and it’s just too damn hot to run outside in the afternoons here (it’s 40 degrees Celsius some days), I really wanted to re-establish my usual morning running habit.

Writing my intention to get up early and go running publicly here on the blog has worked. For the past two weeks, I’ve been getting out of bed and completing a morning run three days per week. As I haven’t been running regularly since October last year (2009), I’m using a staged training program (see below) to achieve my goal of being able to run 10km each session again.

When I tell people t hat I run, many of them say:  “I can’t run, I just don’t enjoy it...” or “… I’m not a runner.” When I ask them why they don’t like it, I get replies like: “…I ran 5 km and nearly died,” or “…it hurts my knees,” or “…it’s boring. ” This post is about those things: How to start running, two very common reasons why running might hurt and what to do about it, and how to make running as exciting as sex.

How Start Running

Assuming you’re a normal, healthy adult, with no history of heart problems, no high blood pressure, or injuries and you’re not massively overweight, there is no reason why you can’t run.

The secret to starting running and enjoying it is to WALK-RUN-WALK. Build your fitness slowly, and combine short periods of running with longer periods of walking. Running the distance between two power poles, and then walking for the distance between 4 power poles (and repeating this 4-6 times) is a good example of how to start running.

Make sure you always warm up with a brisk walk for 5 min before your first run, and then cool down with another slow 5 min walk. I always perform gastrocnemius, soleus, quadriceps, hip flexor, hamstring and gluteal stretches after my runs. Email me if you want details of these stretches.

In my experience, the best program for beginning runners is the Couch to 5km (C25K) program. This program takes a normal, healthy non-runner through a series of stages over nine weeks, using the WALK-RUN-WALK principal.  What’s better, there is a wealth of information and free resources on the internet for the C25K program. There’s a website (http://www.c25k.com/) devoted it, an inspirational Facebook group, but best of all, there’s podcasts and iPhone apps.

I use and highly recommend the C25K iPhone app (I have an iTouch). This app will take you through the entire 9 week program (I’m currently doing week 5), and you can play your favourite music, podcast or listen to an audiobook whilst you’re running. The app is $3.99 (AUD) from the iTunes store.

For those without iPods, or who simply don’t want to pay for the program then Robert Ullreys has put together a free version, with his own voice and podsafe, indie music. I’ve used this for quite a few years after taking a midwinter break from running, and it’s fabulous. The music is great and Robert pops in with words of encouragement, but doesn’t pop in too often. Download Robert’s C25K here. (http://www.ullreys.com/robert/Podcasts/podcasts/podcasts.html)

But it hurts

Apart from pre-existing injuries, the two main reasons why running hurts are shoes and technique.

You need at least one pair of dedicated running shoes that are designed for your shape of foot. You also need to change your running shoes regularly –after only 300 hours of high impact shock absorption, running shoes lose their ability to protect your body. I go through three pairs of runners –sometimes more- each year. I have never had an injury from running in nearly twenty five years of running.

Technique is the other means to prevent injuries. Warming up, cooling down and stretching should be part of every exercise routine (these also prevent injuries and worse), but in running learning good technique also helps to avoid soreness and injuries.

For beginners, there is one particular running technique that I recommend learning: Chi Running (http://www.chirunning.com/shop/home.php). This is a method that focuses on correct body alignment, core stabilisation, foot placement and striding. It is designed to create injury and soreness free running, so that you will be able to run for the rest of your life. Chi Running is also a community and a philosophy that’s very close to yoga. The website is here, and there are a couple of very helpful You Tube clips which explain the basics very well. I recommend downloading the Chi Running audio instructions to your MP3 and practising.

Running Is Boring.

At first, running will be hard work. However, if you use the WALK-RUN-WALK method and build up your fitness slowly, then it isn’t as hard as many people make out it is.

As your running fitness increases, you find yourself entering an amazing flow state –here boredom isn’t an issue. However, for those who doubt that this ever happens and still think running is boring, I recommend the use of music, podcasts or audiobooks during running.

I am also a vocal advocate for running outdoors rather than on a treadmill, unless absolutely necessary. Running on a treadmill is mind-numbingly boring. Outside, there is so much more to engage your attention, destinations to aim for, and even people to outrun or say hi to.

Coming to Yoga

Several days ago, Svasti wrote a post that rang a clear, true bell in my heart. After practicing for many years, Svasti last year completed a teacher training course. Here is an excerpt of what she had to say:

That old maxim “those who can’t do, teach” isn’t true at all for yoga (and probably many other disciplines, too). Yoga teachers must practice yoga, must understand what they are asking others to do before they can even think of approaching the front of the room.

I have been thinking about this post all week; thinking of the truth in those words and their relationship to my own coming to yoga. In 1999, I was selected to undertake training in a new Les Mills program called Body Balance (in the US, it’s called Body Flow). In those days (!) Body Balance (BB) was all yoga with a smidgeon of pilates. Now, BB is a hypnotic and highly addictive mix of Tai Chi, yoga, with a teaspoon of pilates on the side. If you haven’t tried it, promise yourself that you will do three classes.

Anyway, by 1999 I had been a fitness instructor for 10 years. I was no stranger to teaching people how to do odd things with their bodies (grapevine, anyone?). However, my experience with yoga at this point amounted to something like 3 Iyengar classes in my early twenties. Undertaking the BB training was stepping into an entirely different world; an alien landscape of complexity, new feelings, disorientation, and awkwardness with my body that I had long since forgotten. The course was three days of feeling totally out of my depth, frustrated, resentful and overwhelmed. There was only one other instructor from my gym undertaking BB training. This was woman who was a long term yoga practitioner, who effortlessly performed Surya Namaskar, Virabhadrasana, Trikonasana and every other asana requested of her. Alongside her, I felt like a 5 foot high elephant trying to perform ballet in gumboots! I cried at the training, because I was so sore, so demoralised and so inadequate. To complicate matters, in less than three weeks after the training, the gym where I worked was launching BB as new program, so I had to be able to teach an entire hour long class of warriors, forward bends and pigeons! No pressure, eh?

Having no yoga background, I struggled. I came to love the music associated with BB, but hated teaching the classes. I think it showed. We never had great numbers of participants, and eventually, the gym pegged the program back to only two classes per week, both taught by the other instructor. I filled in, and participated in launches for new music held every quarter.

In early 2000, I began my first stint of doctoral fieldwork and moved to Narooma on the Far South Coast of NSW. There is a big yoga community there (especially at Tilba Tilba) and I began to think about what I’d done wrong with Body Balance. I realised that having no yoga background meant having no understanding, no vocabulary and no body sense for the discipline … all of which were absolutely necessary for communicating with participants. There was also the breathing aspect of yoga which Body Balance training doesn’t really teach –yet those BB instructors who teach the best use the breath continually throughout their classes. These are also people who have a yoga background. Thus, I began to take Iyengar classes as much as I could. I was also fortunate enough to undertake a weekend course in Sydney on yoga for fitness instructors. After this, a gym in Narooma decided to launch Body Balance with me as the star. The second time around, teaching BB was bliss, was joy, and the classes were packed (although this too has significant draw backs).

What was different? Now, I had the experience of being a beginner, a vocabulary associated with where and how to place the body, an understanding of what one should be sensing in each asana, and the experience of truly feeling yoga to share with my participants. As Svasti has said, yoga is not something someone can teach in order to learn. One has to practice yoga in order to teach yoga.

Someone much wiser than I has said that it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill. I believe this is especially true in the case of yoga. Yet this is the opposite of the message we absorb every day in so many subtle ways: time is money, learn X in 10 easy lessons, more speed, more more more speed. Perhaps that was why the two-week yoga intensive I did at the end of 2008 scarred me so much. There is no quick, easy way to learn to do yoga other than sustained practice and study. There is no two week or even four week course that is ever going to teach you to teach if you’ve never done Trikonasana before and have never struggled with sirsasana.

In yoga, the journey is far more important than the destination.

… And the destination is always shifting to an unknowable event horizon.

Yummy Yoga Music

I used to be a sworn traditionalist, not using any music during asana practice. Having done the majority of my yoga in Iyengar classes and more recently, Satyananda, I thought that using music in yoga classes was a recent and somewhat inauthentic invention.

In returning to asana practice during the past month, I’ve started to use music. For the past month, I’ve used music for both vinyasa and yin/restorative sessions, and I have to admit … I love it! I was inspired by Nadine and Marilyn (Yogaway), who always use music in their classes. I thought I might share some of the albums I’ve been using:

DJ Drez: Jahta Beat and Jahta Beat – The Progression

I found Jahta Beat via the Yoga Glo website. I immediately loved it and downloaded it from ITunes. DJ Drez is an American ‘underground’ artist who mixes hip hop with jazz, blues and world music. The result is hypnotic, chilled with a good dose of spice. It’s definitely not wallpaper-type background music. DJ Drez is great for vinyasa sessions. DJ Drez’s website is here. He’ got a NEW album coming out soon.

Sacred Earth: Bhakti

Sacred Earth is the musical creation of Australian couple, Prem Aliyah & Jethro Williams. They use keyboards, infused with divine female vocals, singing mantra and songs of devotion. Supported by Bansuri flutes from India, shakohatchi, Irish whistle, something ethnic rhythms & acoustic guitar. Jethro & Prem Aliyah have embodied their experience as Yoga Practitioners and Teachers, Musicians, Parents and Lovers to bring into creation, Sacred Earth. An uplifting and spiritually inspiring performance touching the heart and soul. Bhakti is perfect for yin/restorative classes, or just for harmonising your room, mind or office. You can buy Bhakti here.

Soul Food: Yoga Groove

Yoga Groove was the very first album I used for asana practice and it remains my favourite. Some people might find it a bit Buddha Bar or lounge-y, but I find it a bit more upbeat and energising. It’s got a variety of moods suitable for vinyasa, static poses and even shavasana. It has a mixture of chill, downtempo and world beats, so you’re bound to find something you like. I love it. If I can’t figure out what to put on for asana practice, I’ll always choose this. You can read more about the Soul Food project here.

Of course, this is only a tiny selection of an ever-expanding collection of chill, down tempo and world music that I use for yoga. If you’ve got any faves, please leave a comment below and share them with us all.

Namaste

And the Rain Came…

Last year, Alice Springs had only 77mm (about 3 inches) of rain for the entire year.

In the past two days, we’ve had 134mm (over 5 inches)…

The Todd River, usually a dry sandy expanse fringerd by towering River Red Gums, has broken its banks. It’s a swirling, muddy morass, flowing out into the Simpson Desert and recharging our precious underground water supply.

We don’t get a lot of rain here, and we love it when it rains. There’s crazy tourists to watch, who take loads of photos of the Todd River in flow. And there’s locals, who just stand and watch the river, the rain, the clouds, enjoying something we don’t often see. Of course, there will be an explosion of mosquitoes (mozzies in Australian English), ready to gobble my blood.

Apparently, the Ghan Train was stopped at Ti-Tree because the tracks were washed away and it had to go back to Darwin. The waterholes will be full, birds and animals will breed, trees will flower and we’ll have a magnificent bloom of desert annual flowers.  Photos, photos, photos!

Blogging Update

There’s a new page for my new blog (I Hate Books) at the top of the page. I want to improve the design of the new blog and need some help with adding a background pattern and a suitable background colour. I would like something Eastern/Indian Spicy. If you’re good at CSS in WordPress.com blogs, please leave a comment. I’m too chicken to brave the somewhat blunt and rude WordPress Forums.

At I Hate Books, I’m going to be blogging about books, book culture, books challenges, and perhaps some world music as well.  This means that I won’t be posting books reviews here anymore.

State of Mind

I have been doing a lot of asana which does seem to be helping. I’m feeling better mentally, although I had a couple of really bad days this week. I almost thought we weren’t going to Indonesia, due to a hiccup with Mr AnthroYogini’s leave.  Which was devastating.

My leave coincides with Mark Whitwell’s visit to Melbourne, which Nadine is organising. So yet again, I won’t be able to see Mark

I have been able to get through a month of doing yoga 5 days per week, and I really feel it’s made a difference. I’ve also started running again (although the rain put a hole in my schedule over the last few days) and I’ve completed two weeks of one of the harder Turbulence Training programs.

I need to get up my courage to go back to the gym, and to get out of bed and go running of a morning rather than in the afternoons. It’s often 40 degrees (Celcius) here through summer, so afternoon running leave you dehydrated! Anyone want to nag me to get out of bed? I have no problem waking up. I just lay there and read, or get up and make breakfast.

As for the gym… it’s the attention of other people and the questions about how I am and where I’ve been. Comments like: ‘…hello stranger…” that I don’t want to face. Sure they’re well-meaning, but when you live in a small town, are an ex-instructor and are depressed, you don’t want attention. You just want to be an anonymous participant at the back of the class.  I think the only way to get over this is to go with Rhiannon (whose teaching at the gym on her uni break), so that attention is diverted from me. It’s that first class that’s got me.

I can’t face it alone, I don’t feel my usual fearless self.

Looking Backwards, Sideways, Forwards

Yeah yeah. I felt obliged to do it: write a year  in review post.

Except, I’m doing a non-sucky, non-New Year’s Resolution post. A commentary on my own failings and achievements for the past year. And something about 2010 for good measure.

This post written on the mighty EeePC powered by Eeebuntu.

2009: The Year I Went Blah

My daughter started university. I finished the thesis. I also went a long way to destroying Life As I Know It. I stopped going to the gym, doing exercise for several months, doing yoga. At one point, I even stopped reading. The thesis took over my life. Work got really busy. I burnt out. I was a bitch and treated my partner badly. I got depressed. I lost it and ended up in hospital. I discovered Turbulence Training. I rediscovered yoga, reading and love. My partner deserves a special mention. He is my hero.

I set out to read 52 books this year. I read 50.

My favourite books: The Book Thief, Marcus Zukac (fiction); Shadows on the Path, Abdi Assadi (non-fiction).

Honourable Mentions: Yoga School Dropout, Lucy Edge (non-fiction); The Van Gogh Blues, Eric Maisel (non-fiction); Yuendumu Everyday, Yasmine Musharbash (non-fiction); Cave in the Snow, Vicki Mackenzie (non-fiction).

Books That Sucked: Get Motivated, Tamara Lowe (so bad I couldn’t finish it); The Naked Entrepreneur, Hazard & Elita (two wannabes giving money grubbing pseudo-spiritual advice); Disordered Minds, Minette Walters (apparently, she’s a good writer!).

Things I Learned in 2009:

• I do not have an Inner Fat Woman Waiting To Burst Out
• Breaking BIG things down into the smallest possible parts works
• Doing something everyday (or consistently) means even the biggest mountains will be climbed
• Convincing myself to “…just do it for 20 minutes …” defeats procrastination
• I can own an Ipod, provided it’s an Itouch
• Macs are probably better PCs, especially if that means NEVER having to have McAfee again
• Turbulence Training is nearly as good as Body Pump
• Bill Harris of Holosync fame is a complete and utter pratt
• The yoga teacher training I did in late 2008 psychologically damaged me

Missions Possible:

Thanks to Benny the Irish Polyglot for this inspirational rejection of lame, washed out New Year’s resolutions (NYRs). Why missions? Read Benny’s post. I’m not going to repeat it here.

Last year, I finished the biggest project I’ve ever undertaken in my life. Now I’m free, free, free to do what ever I want. Here are some missions for this year:

• take better care of myself mentally and physically
• read 10 books per month
• read Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone in Indonesian
• start learning Hindi (mid year) for our motorcycle tour of India in 2011
• go to 2 yoga workshops interstate
• hang out with Svasti, Nadine & Linda in person
• be able to run 10km again (I usually can do this hands down, but I’m the unfittest I’ve been in 20 years)
• get my courage up and go back to the gym 3 times per week
• prove to myself that Turbulence Training can give me the results that Pump does
• do yoga at least 5 times per week
• climb Mt Giles
• in fact, go bushwalking and camping as much as I possibly can
• go overseas at least once and twice if we can manage it (We’re going to Bali & Lombok on 29^th Jan) (leave is the problem, not $$)
• start a proper garden

Well. I hope you’re all puffed out, puffed up and ready to go. Review dates: 1 March, 1 June, 1 Sept, 31st Dec.

Let’s go…

Day By Day

Right now, I can hear the sound of multiple copies of my thesis being printed off for my examiners. I am submitting the thesis today.

The journey over the past few weeks since my last post has not been pleasant.

One would think that completing a thesis after 10 years would be joyous – there would be relief, celebration, happiness. There has been, but on the whole, these emotions have been fleeting.

Instead, I have sunk into depression, treading a well worn path into the black hole.

This time, it snuck up on me. There was no major life change. No broken relationship. No soul-destroying job to escape from. I didn’t know I was in the black hole until I found myself looking back up at the usual crowd of suspects standing around the rim of the hole, shouting down at me.

The first sign this time was my withdrawal from the gym. I simply didn’t want to go to classes anymore. I found ways to exercise alone – which I enjoy- but this absolute withdrawal from classes should have set the alarm bells ringing.

By the end of October, I was not exercising at all. I stopped doing yoga. Every spare second of my time was devoted to the thesis. If it was not, I felt guilty. By November, I was consciously aware of my depression – and sliding fast into the black hole. I was exhausted, I was stressed, not interested in anything. There were days when hiding in my room, laying on my bed asleep were the only things I wanted to do. When I finished the thesis, I was at rock bottom.  I lost it. Completely.

I don’t expect many to people to understand why someone who has finished something this big and supposedly so personally infused with meaning is now burned out and deeply depressed. Barely able to muster any enthusiasm at all about the blasted thing.

To be honest, writing the thesis did not give me a sense of satisfaction. It did not spark my creative muse in the same way that writing my Honours thesis did, twelve years ago. It was a chore, a weight on my shoulders. A heavy load chained to my neck.

I hope that one day, satisfaction will come. As yet, I just feel flat and empty. I need time for me, time to recover, time to find my muse, my energy, my spark.

I have sought help. Gary has been incredible. As much as he bears the brunt of my depression, he is also my strength. In the past two weeks, I have starting doing yoga again. Last week, I had enough energy to start running and Turbulence Training again. I found the energy to enjoy Christmas, and thankfully, we weren’t travelling anywhere and needing to put on bright faces for relatives. It was just us and our (largely grown up) children.

At the moment, it’s day by day, and sometimes, hour by hour. That is all I have the energy for. I can see the healing already. I have done at least an hour of yoga every day (save two) for the past two weeks.

Blogging Plans

I will be making a few changes to the blog. I’ve decided to keep it for a while longer. I’m going to add some new pages and perhaps change the header. The changes will reflect my lifelong passions: books, language learning and exercise. I feel the need to expand and explore a little more. Perhaps now that I have LOTS of time, I’ll no longer be afraid (or feel guilty) about expressing myself online.

For now, I’m off to Watarrka (Kings Canyon) for the New Year (look at the blog header – the picture is Watarrka). Heading bush is always healing, even when it’s 40 degrees.

On Completion and Nothingness

The thesis is finished. And now, I am basking in the deep low that comes following the ecstatic high of completion.

Life goes on … Before en-thesis-ment, chop wood, go to work. After en-thesis-ment, chop wood, go to work.

Perhaps I should explain some of the last five months, where I have become a hermit in more ways than making my online self less visible.

Emotional rollercoaster

One moment I was up, then next down. The ups and the downs were manic. There were few in-betweens.

Where I thought I was finished (my first draft, back in July), I was not. Where I thought I would feel happy or pleased with my progress, I was not. Where I knew I’d done so much, and needed time -15 minutes of internet meaningless surfing, others thought this was outrageous. Confusion. Mixed feelings. The closest thing to this I’ve ever experienced is post-natal elation then depression.

Yes, it’s really THAT BIG and I don’t think most people quite get that. Especially parents, whose comments are things like: “Oh, that’s nice. You’ve worked so hard. When’s the graduation?” ARRGGHHH!!!!

Withdrawal

After August, I did not set foot in the gym nor a yoga studio. I felt like I had no time, nor should I permit myself these luxuries. Crazy? Perhaps, but it seemed the right –the only- thing to do. In their place, I took up Turbulence Training (oh, yes. You will be hearing a lot more about this) and subscribed to Yoga-Glo. These worked for me.

Exercise and yoga became impossible for me during a 6 week period in mid October to late November. The only thing I did then was to walk to and from work (a massive 20 minutes each way).

All of my life I have harboured a secret fear that there was a fat woman living inside of me, ready to explode the moment I stopped exercising. Whilst women who are tall and of normal height can get away with ONE or TWO kilos, I am the size of a 12 year old (158 cm). Extra kilos stick out like dog’s proverbials on us shorties.

Much to my surprise, the Fat-Woman-Living-Inside-Me-Waiting-To-Burst-Out did not burst out during my time of no exercise.

I gained no weight. I lost very little muscle definition in my upper body. I can still do one-armed pushups and Chautaranga til the cows come home. Thank you, 12 years of Body Pump. However, my legs and butt are a bit flabbier than I’m used to. So. Body Pump & Turbulence Training, here I come.

Other things I didn’t do after August: Spend much time commenting on blogs, or on Twitter (I did discover Farmville, though). Socialise. Go bushwalking or camping. Have a break.

Reflection

I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel spiritually disabled and empty.

The thesis took 10 years. It comprised 4 years, 2 months of fieldwork (in two periods of 14 months and then 3 years). During that time, I have re-written the entire thesis three times. The first full draft of the final incarnation (there were three incarnations) took two years to complete. My second and final draft took 4 of the most intense months of my life. I did this whilst working full time.

I do not, thankfully, have to do a dissertation defence. Australian universities don’t do them. Thank bloody goodness for that.

The emotional and personal costs of the thesis have been significant. I have suffered (and am at present still in the midst of) depression. I had a marriage break up 5 years ago – however,  as a result, I am with someone fabulous and far better matched to me.

PhDs are incredibly tough on your partner and family. We have had fights. Huge fights. Gary pushed me along constantly to do this. He would ask me when I was going to do some work on thesis -this pissed me off majorly at times when my muse just wasn’t working. He would come down on me for surfing the net -this pissed me off as well. Which, of course, meant fights.  I’m going to get Gary to do a guest post over the weekend, explaining what it is like to be the partner of a PhD candidate.

Would I study again? Yes, but I do not recommend doing a PhD straight after Honours, nor whilst working full time.

The Future

Right now, I need to rest. I am empty.

I would like a holiday but there’s no chance until February next year, due to my job.

I want, need, have to go travelling: Ubud would be nice. A whole week at Ananda Cottages, just chilling. The Simpson Desert would be fab as well… except it’s too darned hot (for those reading from the Northern Hemisphere, it is SUMMER in Australia and where I live, extremely hot – around 38 degrees Celcius every day). Bushwalking and camping are also out, because of the same reason. A week on a houseboat…yeah, but I can’t take leave til February.

So I’m trapped with my exhaustion. Gary is suggesting a weekend in Melbourne for me… but really, I desperately need a week away from everything and everywhere representing the normality of my life, to simply do nothing and recover.

I’m just not going to be able to do it however, so it’s limping along and sinking…

Apparently, this is totally, absolutely and utterly normal post-PhD.

Which makes me wonder WHY DO WE DO THESE THINGS TO OURSELVES?

On Limiting Myself

I have been limiting myself and it’s been good.

I have not posted on the blog, nor have I commented on the blogs of others or spent much time online (other than checking email, Facebook, the news and weather) for the past month.

I’m back home from Canberra. The PhD writing is finished; my supervisor and myself are now ‘tweaking’ the final draft. I am aiming to have it submitted by the end of September. Tweaking means lots of to-and-fro over individual paragraphs and words, especially at the beginning and end of the thesis. So I still have a bit of work to do.

Anyway, I’m posting to say that I won’t be posting much until the thesis is handed in. After that, I may decide to end this blog.

Yes, you read right. I may decide this blog has served its purpose and it is time to move on to something else. At this stage, I don’t really know.

Anyway, I’ll see you all at the end of the thesis journey.

Namaste